


I know there's something (in the wake of your smile)

by professor



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing, memory loss shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 08:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27468046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professor/pseuds/professor
Summary: It’s a lovely morning on the island of Rumblecusp, and Caleb is forgetting something. But it can’t be anything too important … right?
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 30
Kudos: 223





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> New fandom who dis.

Caleb is forgetting something. 

He can’t think of what it might be, though. He woke up this morning on the island of Rumblecusp with his friends, feeling _great_. They’re here because … because …

Well, it will surely come to him.

He’ll just enjoy his walk through the jungle until it does. 

If his friends need him, they’ll know how to find him.

*

An hour or so later, he is having doubts. His friends were pretty busy, after all. It seemed like most of them were having memory problems, too. Maybe he should have stayed to help? He thinks he remembers one of them -- Caduceus? -- talking about calling in outside help. 

Hmmmm. Perhaps it was rude of him to wander off like he has. But the jungle was so lovely, and he got the impression that he hasn’t done anything as relaxing as walking in the woods for a long, long time. It was hard to resist. Still, perhaps he should have left a note or something. Or … there’s a spell for contacting people, right? He should know it. 

Shouldn’t he?

Just as he thinks about that, he hears a voice, calling his name.

Oh, they did find him! Never mind.

*

Except it turns out it’s not one of his friends from the beach who came to find him. It’s _better_ than that.

“Essek,” breathes Caleb, a wide smile breaking across his face. “I _missed_ you.” He drinks in the sight of the handsome drow, standing in the heat of the sun. He’s sweating faintly in his heavy mantle, even with the parasol he’s carrying to protect him from the harsh rays. 

Essek blinks, looking completely taken aback by Caleb’s words. “You did?” 

“Yes, of course.” Caleb walks up to him, taking Essek’s unresisting arm and linking it with his own. “All of my other friends are here, but you were missing. And now you’re here, too! This is very pleasing to me.”

Essek gives him a strange look. “Of … of course.” He shakes his head. “The Mighty Nein are very worried about you. We should head back to them.”

Caleb smiles at him again, because he can. “Lead the way, my friend.”

*

Caleb can’t stop sneaking glances over at Essek as they walk back toward the beach. Absurdly, he seems to only grow _more handsome_ , even as they’re walking. It’s ridiculous. Caleb wants to kiss him so very badly. His lips look so soft. What will he taste like? How would Essek’s hair feel as Caleb runs his fingers through it? 

Caleb’s thoughts go on and on like that. He honestly can’t think of a single reason _not_ to kiss him.

So he does. 

Essek freezes, stunned for a moment, and Caleb has just long enough for a flicker of worry to cross his mind before Essek is kissing him _back_ , and _oh_ , it’s even better than Caleb had imagined it would be. Essek’s lips _are_ soft, soft and warm, and he tastes like _magic_. Caleb coaxes Essek’s lips open just enough to slide his tongue inside, flicking them across the tips of Essek’s fangs, and Essek gives the _tiniest_ moan and --

\-- And then Essek is forcefully wrenching himself away from Caleb. Caleb is _bereft_ with the loss of contact. 

Essek is panting, his eyes wide, his slightly swollen mouth slack with shock.

Oh _no_.

“Did -- did I do something wrong?” Caleb is starting to feel very small and very miserable.

Essek’s eyes get wider, if anything. “No! No, you did nothing wrong. Please believe me. It was _very_ welcome. It’s just -- it’s just --” He sighs, pushing his fingers through his hair. “I was just -- surprised. That you would. Well. That you would _want_ to -- especially after what happened, after what I told you when you and the rest of the Nein caught me that night at the party in Nicodranas.”

Caleb shakes his head. “I don't ... what _party_? Essek, what are you _talking_ about?” 

Essek goes absolutely _still_ , and intense, in a way that’s almost frightening. “Caleb,” says Essek quietly, taking his hands. “How much do you remember?”

“I know … I do know I’m missing some things,” Caleb admits. “But I remember _you_.” Essek gives him a deeply skeptical look. “I _do_ ,” Caleb insists.

Essek lets out a small, shuddering sigh. “But you don’t …” He closes his eyes, briefly, as though in pain. “You don’t remember the peace talks,” Essek finishes quietly. “Or Nicodranas.”

Caleb tilts his head. “What peace talks?”

Now Essek is looking at Caleb with deep sadness in his eyes, and Caleb frowns, no, that’s wrong, Essek should never look that way, like his heart is breaking. Essek should only ever be happy. 

Caleb wants to _make sure_ Essek is only ever happy. 

Caleb reaches out to cup Essek’s cheek, to ... he’s not sure what, Caleb only knows he needs to do something to make that terrible look of heartbreak go away.

Essek gently deflects his hand. “Let’s get you back to your friends, Caleb,” he says, as he takes Caleb’s arm again and leads him back towards the beach, at a swifter pace. 

“ _Our_ friends,” Caleb corrects. Yes, they should find their friends, right now. Their friends will know how to fix this.

Essek smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Our friends. Of course.”

~fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- ~~I’ve got a second chapter half written, does anyone want it, or do you like the stand alone angst?~~ ETA: Second chapter posted, more to come
> 
> \- Thank you to @royalgreen for the beta.
> 
> \- I was inspired to write this after reading ["And it's like the fog has lifted" by mariekjepower](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25963651), which has a different pairing but similar themes. Also it's real good and you should read it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who asked, here you go

As they walk through the jungle back toward the beach where the Mighty Nein await, Essek uses _prestidigitation_ for the second time in ten minutes to charm away his tears. He is a _fool_. Of _course_ Caleb would not -- would never --

He feels tears welling up _again_ and this time swipes at them furiously with his hands. He’s angry at the situation and angry at his loss of control. He’d spent _decades_ perfecting his serene public mask, building up layers and layers of stone around his heart, and the Mighty Nein had torn through his defenses like they were _nothing_.

 _Caleb_ had torn through his defenses like they were nothing. 

And now everything about Essek now is exposed, raw, visceral. His emotions are wild and out of control and he has no idea how to cope. 

He distracts himself with the thought that at least Caleb is safe, now. Essek remembers how frantic he’d felt that morning, when he received a Sending from Caduceus asking for help, as most of the Nein “needed a little help.” Just the fact that they would ask _him_ , Essek, for help in the first place, told him how dire it was. He’d teleported without delay. 

The heartbreak Essek is feeling right now is Essek’s own fault, he knows that. Caduceus _had_ explained the memory loss effects of the island, but Essek had only been listening with half an ear, while he furiously tried to figure out a way to track Caleb despite his anti-scry amulet. It had been tricky, relying on tracking Caleb’s effects on the world around him rather than on the man himself, but Essek was not a genius prodigy for nothing. 

He cast the spell and found Caleb after not too long, sharp relief rising when he’d realized Caleb was unharmed, merely a bit disoriented. 

He’d been so shocked when Caleb had acted so happy to see him. And then for Caleb to take his arm, and to say that he had _missed_ Essek -- well, Essek had started to hope for things that he’d long given up on ever having. Hopes that soared to incredible heights before being dashed, shattered into a million pieces.

Unbidden, Essek brings his fingers to his lips, lips that Caleb has so recently kissed. He now knows what Caleb tastes like. Paradise, for one brief shining moment, cruelly snatched away, never to be regained. Caleb could not have devised a more painful punishment for Essek if he’d tried. 

The worst part is he’s never seen Caleb so carefree or happy. Whatever Caleb has forgotten has lifted an enumerable weight off of his shoulders. 

Essek is seized with the ridiculous, irrational impulse to avoid the rest of the Mighty Nein and simply spirit Caleb back to his tower in Rosohna. And just, staying there. He lets himself indulge in the fantasy for just a moment -- spending days ignoring the world outside to bury themselves in spellcrafting and magical theory. Sharing the joy of innovation and discovery. Spending evenings tucked away in the library, holding hands as they read in front of a warm, crackling fire. Exchanging more of those sweet kisses. 

He shakes his head, dismissing the idle fancy. He really is a selfish creature. Caleb is _good_ , too good for the likes of him. 

*

Caleb has been walking more and more slowly as they continue through the jungle. He also seems very distracted, prone to wandering off or stopping if Essek doesn’t redirect him. Essek tries to be patient, but when they’re about halfway back to the beach he feels the need to speak up about it. “Caleb, we need to keep moving. This place is dangerous. We need to find your friends.” 

Frustratingly, instead of going faster, Caleb comes to a full stop instead. Essek tries again. “Caleb, please.”

Caleb shakes his head. “No, we don’t need to go anywhere. You should stay here, with me.” Caleb implores him, as he wraps his arms around Essek. “We don’t need the outside world. We don’t need anything but each other.”

Oh, Essek was wrong, before. _This_ is the cruelest punishment Caleb could have devised, his tempting words dripping like sweet poison into Essek’s ears. To stay here, on this island, Caleb in his arms, the memories of his past crimes fading away into blessed oblivion. 

“No,” says Essek, and it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done. “No. We can’t stay here, Caleb.”

He regrets his words almost immediately as he sees the utter heartbreak on Caleb’s face. He wants to recant almost immediately, but he can’t, he knows if he does he’ll never find the strength to say no to Caleb a second time. 

Instead he gently disentangles himself from Caleb’s arms, and starts walking again. He can’t stand to look at Caleb’s distraught face, and so he walks a bit ahead Caleb. 

This proves to be a mistake when Caleb wanders off a few minutes later.

*

Essek is cursing to himself as he backtracks. How could he have been so foolish as to take his eyes off of Caleb, _right after_ he said those things to him? He should have been paying more attention. He shouldn’t have let his own pain distract him so much. If something has happened to Caleb -- 

He finds Caleb only a few minutes later, thankfully. Caleb is alive and unharmed and -- he is seated in the midst of a field of flowers, picking blossoms and tying them together, for some reason. The wave of relief that hits Essek is overpowering. 

When Caleb smiles at him and wastes a high level spell to float a flower crown onto Essek’s head, Essek wants nothing more than to throw himself into Caleb’s lap and start kissing him again, and never stop. And he denies himself, again. He reminds himself, once again, that Caleb would never consent to kissing Essek if Caleb had his memory and faculties intact. 

And then Caleb is refusing to get up, like a _child_ , and abruptly, Essek’s patience with the situation has run out. He just wants to return Caleb to the Mighty Nein, so they can cast Greater Restoration on him, and Caleb can remember that he does _not_ want Essek, that he will _never_ want Essek, not like Essek lo-- wants him. And then Essek can return to his tower and his work and he can begin to forget everything that happened here. 

He can begin to _recover_ from everything that happened here.

Essek quickly casts a modified version of his hovering spell, so that Caleb is the one floating, not him. It unfortunately means that Essek himself can’t hover any more, but it’s a price he’s willing to pay for the moment.

Essek then scoops the much more lightweight Caleb up into his arms and starts stalking toward the beach. There, now Caleb cannot run off a second time.

But then of _course_ Caleb starts flirting with him again. Essek stoically ignores him, just as he ignores how good Caleb feels in his arms, or how his heart starts racing when Caleb wraps his arms around Essek’s neck and snuggles into him. Caleb starts murmuring in a language Essek doesn’t understand -- Zemnian, he assumes. He wishes he could take a moment to cast _comprehend languages_ , but that would require putting Caleb down, and who knows where Caleb will run off to in that instance?

Essek prays to a god he doesn’t believe in that this ordeal will be over soon. 

Naturally, that is when he feels a sharp pain against the back of his head and everything goes black.

* * *

The closer they get to the beach, the more coolly detached Essek seems to grow. He has let go of Caleb’s arm, has subtly distanced himself, walking a few steps ahead. 

Caleb _hates_ it. It reminds him of how Essek had acted when they first met, when he … when they … how did they meet again?

It’s obvious Essek believes that Caleb getting his memory back will make Caleb hate him. And if that is the case, then, why should he go back at all? Why not stay here on this island, where he has his friends and everything he needs? 

As they’re walking, Caleb makes a very well-reasoned and logical argument to Essek about why they should stay here together, forever. 

Essek turns him down flat. And then starts walking again, as though he expects Caleb to keep following him, after what he’d just said. 

Well, fine. It’s _fine_ that Essek doesn’t want to stay. Caleb doesn’t need Essek. Caleb will stay here on Rumblecusp all by himself. On this beautiful island, with its lush foliage and gorgeous scenery and -- 

\-- Oh look at the pretty flowers. He hasn’t seen flowers this lovely since … since … well, apparently he’s never seen flowers this lovely. All the more reason to take the time to enjoy them. Caleb sits down and starts picking flowers to weave a flower crown. He used to do this as a child. Didn’t he? Oh, he must have. His fingers remember, even if his mind does not.

It takes a few minutes for Essek to even notice Caleb was no longer following, and to come back for him. 

“Caleb, what are you doing?”

“I am making flower crowns,” Caleb says, using _telekinesis_ to place the flower crown he just finished making upon Essek’s head. 

Essek pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to look annoyed, but he can’t hide the way his mouth quirks up in amusement. 

*

Caleb steadfastly ignores Essek’s attempts to get him to start walking again. As the minutes pass, Essek gets visibly more and more frustrated. It’s a good look on him. 

“Caleb, I will ask you one more time to come with me, now.” Essek’s attempts at looking stern are thwarted by the flower crown on his brow. 

“No,” Caleb informs him gleefully. “If you wish me to leave, you will have to drag me.” He sets his own flower crown on his head and smirks.

Essek’s eyes narrow. Caleb is too busy feeling smug to notice that Essek is casting something until just a few seconds too late to snap off a _counterspell_. Caleb tenses, waiting for the effects, but nothing happens. He shrugs, and starts to pick more flowers.

And then he _yelps_ as surprisingly strong arms wrap around him and he is effortlessly lifted into the air and swung around -- and when he gets his bearings back, he realizes Essek is _carrying_ him in his arms, like a Zemnian bride on her wedding night. 

Caleb’s heart starts fluttering and his face grows flushed. He should probably object to being manhandled in such a fashion, but Caleb only wants to swoon. Instead, he loops his arms around Essek’s neck, and leans into his chest. 

“If you wanted to sweep me off my feet, you only had to ask,” Caleb murmurs. A deep purple flush spreads across Essek’s own cheeks, and the tips of his ears, and Caleb feels victorious. He magnanimously decides to forgive Essek in that instant, for his cruel rejection earlier. Caleb has plenty of time to convince him to stay. Essek presses his lips together in a tight line and stalks through the jungle, his grip on Caleb never loosening. 

Caleb feels _light_ in a way he hasn’t felt in years -- actually, he doesn’t recall _ever_ feeling like this, so full of happiness that he could float away with it. Although, come to think of it, the floating sensation is probably the spell.

Caleb tries once or twice to engage Essek in conversation as they make their way through the landscape, but Essek stubbornly refuses to answer. 

Well, fine then. Caleb will simply enjoy the situation. He can count every freckle on Essek’s face from this distance. He sighs wistfully, and spends several minutes admiring Essek’s cheekbones, his soulful eyes, the way the curls of his hair complement the flower crown Caleb made for him earlier. 

It occurs to Caleb, belatedly, that between the matching flower crowns, and the bridal carry, they are mimicking some of the forms of a traditional Zemnian wedding. But surely no Zemnian bride ever had such a handsome groom as Caleb’s.

“ _You are more beautiful than all the stars in the sky_ ,” Caleb murmurs to him in Zemnian. “ _I could drown myself in your eyes and die with a smile on my face._

Caleb drifts off into a daydream of what it would be like to be married to Essek. They could build a tower, all their own. Spend their days deep in research and making new spells. Spend their nights reading in front of a warm fireplace, in between soft kisses. Adopt a few more cats so that Frumpkin has some friends. Revolutionize the arcane world with their brilliant joint discoveries. Adopt some _children_. Read _Der Katzenprinz_ to their seven adopted children as they tuck them into bed at night. Then tucking _each other_ into bed at night. Oh, what a wonderful future that would be.

Why would he ever want anything else? Nothing in his lost memories can compare to this -- 

\-- Wait. _Wait_. 

As if summoned by his skepticism, a memory is coming to Caleb now. An important one. One that could change everything.

One of their friends waiting for them on the beach -- Fjord? -- is a ship’s captain. A captain can perform marriages. 

_Caleb and Essek **could** get married._

Caleb gasps. 

Essek immediately comes to a halt. “Caleb? Are you well? Is something wrong?” All of Essek’s earlier irritation has seemingly melted away, his voice only full of concern. His grip tightens slightly

“Nothing!” It comes out as a strangled, high-pitched squeak. Caleb clears his throat and tries again. “It is nothing. Just, ah, I thought I saw something in the trees. But it was a trick of the light.”

Essek gives him a sideways look. “If you’re sure …”

“Ja, yes, there is nothing there.” He lets out a nervous giggle. “We should be getting back to our friends, yes?”

“Oh, so _now_ you want to get back to them,” mutters Essek faintly, but there’s no heat to it. He resumes walking, Caleb still in his arms.

Caleb sighs happily and starts planning their wedding in his head. Frumpkin will be the ring bearer of course, and he wants Veth to walk him down the aisle, and Yasha can be in charge of flowers … 

He spends several minutes in delightful contemplation, when suddenly three things happen very quickly: Caleb hears a loud cracking sound, Essek drops him as the spell ends, and Essek falls to the ground, unconscious. 

Caleb starts to panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Essek this chapter: *all of existence is suffering*
> 
> Caleb this chapter: *head empty of angst and memories, heart full only of wedding plans*
> 
> Are there also two clerics on that beach, waiting for them? Yes Did I conveniently make Caleb forget that fact, just so I could make the “ship’s captain/ship captain” joke? Also yes. (Jester is going to feel so betrayed because _she_ is the Shadowgast Ship Captain, not _Fjord_ , Caleb, how could you.)
> 
> This extra chapter is brought to you by me wanting to add extra shenanigans, and my brain handing me the delightful image of Essek using a spell so he can carry Caleb bridal-style, while they are both wearing flower crowns. You are welcome. *makes finger guns at readers*
> 
> Also, gosh, it sure would be a shame if Essek’s head injury gave him partial amnesia as well… yes, what a terrible shame ...


End file.
